what matters most: part ii

For the past nine months, I have struggled with the idea of going to Asia to work. I whined about how easy it is for guys to find supportive wives and how hard it is for women to find supportive husbands. I went through a break up. I cried. By now, I have told everybody: no, I’m not going. And I feel okay. Which is really amazing.

A couple possible reasons for why I feel okay.

+ Two years ago, a very senior person at Manulife moved his family for his job. His daughter was unhappy. Recently, his wife and daughter moved back to where they came from. Gender roles or not, optimizing career and family is a crazy thing that may or may not work out.

+ For the past month, I have been dating someone that did long distance so that the girl he was seeing can be adventurous with her career. The relationship did not work out. Supportive or not, optimizing career and family is a crazy thing that may or may not work out.

No, you can’t always get what you want
You can’t always get what you want
You can’t always get what you want
And if you try sometime you find
You get what you need

img src=flavorwire

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what matters most

I always struggle with the transition from dating (which tends to be structured) to hanging out (which tends to be more fluid).

A typical conversation …
Ex: You can’t deal with uncertainty.
Me: I have no desire to deal with uncertainty due to lack of planning.

Saturday, the plan was coffee (ideal temperature at fahrenheit), dinner (amazing smoked mackerel salad at hiro sushi), his friend’s housewarming party or some permutation thereof. The intention was to grab a bottle of chateauneuf du pape somewhere along the way. I tried to go along with it but the tension kept building up in my head (e.g. I can’t believe I’m dating someone who thinks it’s a great idea to randomly wander around in search of a potentially open LCBO). I couldn’t help but take charge of the situation (i.e. looking up store hours on the LCBO website and insisting that we go to the closest open location ASAP).

Today, I’m thinking: What’s the point of being hyper efficient with regard to things that don’t really matter and creating unnecessary tension in relationships, what matters most?

myers briggs

illustration from dunning.ca

1.

Stephen (INTP): Sari is INTJ. One letter makes a big difference.

Wendy (ENTJ): S is ISFP.

Stephen: Are you sure he’s S?

Wendy: He doesn’t believe in personality types.

Stephen: Okay, he’s S.

2.

When Jenny and I used to have relationships discussions, she would always talk about attraction versus compatibility. Now I understand what she meant. Or the lack thereof.

ISFP + ENTJ compatibility: Unfortunately this MBTI match in many cases is not the most ideal one. ISFPs as a personality are extremely sensitive to conflict and criticism and the ENTJ is naturally a confrontational type, not at all afraid of conflict. ENTJs might even see conflict as a generally positive and productive thing so they are going to have a hard time giving it up; that is if it’s even possible for them to give up conflict.

3.

Compatibility is not possible for ENTJ. Might as well focus on self-development!

ENTJ + ENTJ relationships: With two extroverts in a relationship, especially two ENTJs, a struggle for dominance might take place and seeing as not many ENTJs like to compromise, this might be a deal breaker for two dominant individuals. The result of these relationships is usually self-development, because relationships between two identical types can help you to look at your own abilities and disabilities from a different angle. And is there anything better for an ENTJ than self-development?

not enough

On August 22, 2011, he dropped me off at work and told me that he will not leave me. Even though his parents told him that it’s a mistake. That he will be unhappy. I wrote the entry below. Thinking that the battle had ended. It had just begun.

He moved out.

I can make a big list of things that are wrong with him. I can make an even bigger list of things that are wrong with me. People don’t break up because they are not perfect. For each other. They break up because they don’t love each other. Enough.

img src=fashionsociety.tumblr.com

sometimes i forget

that i’m surrounded by people who love me

from neverland to everland

A month ago, Denise and I had dinner at hiro sushi. A week ago, Benise (Benny+Denise), S and I went sailing. Yesterday, Denise, Stephen and I celebrated Stephen’s bday at tutti matti. (My favorite summerlicious menu.) I can’t help but notice that Denise has changed since her engagement. She has found her place in the universe and she wants to help others find theirs.

For me, relationships are not about finding my place in the universe. Here is my old lavalife profile.

I’m hoping to find a team mate for the next Amazing Race.

Me
1. Lived in China (Beijing, Shanghai), Australia (Sydney), Canada (Toronto, Waterloo) and US (New York, Chicago)
2. Good at dashing around in airports (I used to work in consulting)
3. Willing to eat anything (Although I prefer sushi)

You
1. ?
2. ?
3. Feeling lucky!

Now that I have decided that relationships are not about living in a different city every two years, I think relationships are about self improvement. Like everything else in life.

photo: color me katie

we’re still together & i’m still terrible

During university, because of the coop program, I moved every four months. When I graduated from university, I planned to live in a different city every two years. A step towards stability.

June 30, 2007
I moved to Chicago exactly two years ago. A bit surprised to find myself still here. But even if I stay put, people come and go. Greg is going to London, even though he loves Toronto. Denise is not going to London, even though she says she will, even though her love is in Toronto. Who knows where my journey may or may not take me.

Whereas 2007 flew by (a new relationship; a project in Tokyo; a marathon), 2008 inched forward. I went to a conference in Hong Kong and talked to people about working in Asia. In a way, being in a relationship and wanting to move to another continent is asking for a bad breakup. Nevertheless, the breakup shocked me. Into realizing that I’m terrible at relationships. I compared and contrasted people I know in Toronto vs Hong Kong vs New York. People in Toronto are less terrible at relationships. we become the people we hang out with. I moved back to Toronto.

July 5, 2010
I’m looking for the following.
1. Less than $450,000
2. More than 900 sq ft
3. Big windows

Whereas 2010 flew by (a new relationship; a short staffed department; a condo), 2011 inched forward. Hin, one of the people I talked to in Hong Kong in 2008, visited Toronto and talked to me about working in Asia. In a way, being in a relationship and wanting to move to another continent is asking for a bad breakup.

Vendy: You studied in France. Why can’t you work in Asia?
S: Asia is not France.
Vendy: There is cheese in Asia.

Nevertheless, we are still together. I’m still terrible at relationships. S is getting better at gardening. Maybe we’ll be fine.

all chinese are poets

On most days, I bounce out of bed with the belief that life is magic. Like the air in Carl‘s balloon.

On other days, I feel that air is seeping out of my balloon. And I can’t pump fast enough to keep afloat. On these days, I would open up love in the time of cholera. Randomly. And read: The author of the essay did not doubt that the writer of the sonnet was in fact who he said he was, and he defended him in a straightforward manner, beginning with the title itself: “All Chinese Are Poets.”

Sometimes, Marquez cannot pump fast enough to keep me afloat. So I got to find the leak and patch it up good. On the surface, I know what’s wrong. This person at work has been annoying me. Every day. Even in my dreams. But. Deep down. I know this is not it. When you love a person, you love him despite everything. When you love what you do at work, you love it despite everything. The problem is the loss of love.

I want to believe Nietzsche, to believe that the wish for eternal return is the ultimate affirmation of life, to hold the person that I want to make happy for the rest of my days, to do work that answers my calling … but … perhaps … my calling is to wander. After all, not all those who wander are lost.

through the garden gate 2011

I have had a terrible headache for the past ten days. Could be because I need to get two wisdom teeth removed. Could be because an award fell on my head while I was sipping an award winning wine; although bloody, Sharon certified that I did not lose my short term memory. Could also be because I’m having yet another existential crisis. Thankfully, tis the weekend of my favorite garden event: Through the Garden Gate. Me thinks happiness is the best drug for headaches and uploading pretty pictures is a sure route to happiness.

This is a picture of the backyard of someone that lives along the Bloor subway line.